Debate over divorce

There is much controversy over divorce, as questions like: “Is it right to let people get a no-fault divorce?”, “Should the children’s opinion be taken into consideration?” and many others arise. But it, in the end, boils down to just one: Is divorce really worth getting, or is it morally wrong?

Arguments FOR divorce being morally wrong:

1. Divorce is wrong according to the Bible.

Anti-divorce activists are convinced that God designed marriage to be permanent, and by making vows at the wedding ceremony one has to really mean what they are saying. If they are not sure they mean it, they probably shouldn’t get married in the first place.

è This argument, however, is easy to refute. Firstly, most people, even if we are talking about Christians, are either not religious or do not tend to follow what is prescribed by the Bible blindly. Secondly, there are a lot of people who belong to another religion (which does not necessarily condemn divorce) or are agnostic. Thirdly, religion can hardly be used in a debate as most of its prescriptions have no logical basis.

2. Divorce has negative consequences for children.

Children may often mistake the divorce of their parents as their own fault. Some children experience feelings of anger, grief, and embarrassment due to their parents’ divorce. Studies show that children who have experienced a divorce frequently have lower academic achievement than children from non-divorced families. Moreover, children need role models of both sexes in order to develop into a socially healthy individual. Another point is that children can be afraid to enter relationships in the future as they may interpret the example of their parents as a sign that relationships are likely to fail.

è While many of these statements are true, it is not because of the divorce itself that these negative consequences occur. They occur because parents, no matter whether they are divorced or not, are negligent and irresponsible in child-rearing. In a divorced family, a child can still get role models of both sexes, as divorce doesn’t mean that either parent is going to spend less time with the child. The decline in academic performance of a child is often a sign of stress, which is temporary in case of divorce, and protracted if unhappily married partners stay together in order to preserve a family against their own will.

3. Divorce can cause economic instability for both partners.

According to research, the economic well-being of both partners is significantly reduced after a divorce. In consequence, an adult who hasn’t been working before the divorce or has been working part-time, may be obligated to obtain a full-time job to maintain financial stability. In turn, this can lead to a negative relationship between the parent and child. The relationship may suffer due to lack of attention towards the child as well as minimal parental supervision.

è While this might be true in some cases, generally the legal process of divorce involves issues of alimony (spousal support), child support, distribution of property, which means that the adult staying with the child does not necessarily have to take on additional jobs. Moreover, since women are much more likely to stay with the children than men, statistics shows that about 80 per cent of divorced women remarry, which normally means that the father is replaced by another breadwinner.

4. Divorce has a negative psychological effect on adults.

Another argument against divorce is its negative effect on a couple's psychological health. Divorce has been rated the number one life stressor, according to Arizona State University. Adults can suffer a negative psychological balance, including high levels of anxiety, unhappiness and depression. Your psychological and emotional well-being can, therefore, be severely damaged by divorce, and it can affect the rest of your life.

è It is no doubt that going through a divorce is stressful for both partners. But when people want a divorce, it usually means that their life together is even more stressful than that.

Arguments AGAINST divorce being morally wrong

1. Everyone has a right to a second chance.

Most people get a divorce because they feel they are unhappy in their marriage. Most admit that when they were getting married, they truly believed they would spend the rest of their life with the spouse. But quite often those expectations prove wrong, and everyone deserves a second chance as long as their future happiness is at stake. Divorce is just a way of breaking up with someone, and breaking up is considered to be quite a normal thing. Divorce is no different.

è Divorce is way more serious than terminating a teenage relationship. First off, a family whose members are getting a divorce often includes children. A divorce is a psychological trauma for every child. Moreover, for the person staying with the children, it will be much harder to find a partner than for the other spouse. Even if the spouses do not have children, statistically, a divorce is almost always initiated by one of the spouses, while the other one still wants to preserve a marriage. That means that the person initiating the divorce can also cause psychological trauma for their partner. Divorce is very different from a teenage breakup as it generally occurs at a later age, and the older you are, the more difficult finding a new partner gets.

2. For many, divorce is a way to escape abuse.

Domestic violence is, unfortunately, not unheard of today. People may say divorce is morally wrong, but what do you do if the situation in your family is even wronger? Many people who have initiated a divorce admit that they had been victims of physical or verbal abuse.

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3. Divorce is often beneficial for children.

A child who experiences divorce may mature quicker and develop responsibility at a younger age. If a child's father moves out and the child has younger siblings, he/she may have to take on a co-parental role with the mother. This exposure will give the child a sense of responsibility that other areas of their life can benefit from. Also, children will benefit from divorce if there is a high level of conflict in their parents' marriage. It is unhealthy for children to be around parents who fight and criticize each other. Also, the constant conflict between the parents often causes aggression towards children from the part of the spouses. Unable to solve problems by discussing them with their spouse, adults often redirect their agression towards children, which can cause fear and deep psychological trauma. Such children are often afraid to even speak with their parents as they don’t know what reaction might follow. There is a chance that such children may get used to being too reserved and quiet which can be an obstacle to their becoming socially healthy individuals.

è It is questionable whether maturing at an early age is beneficial for the child. Looking after siblings and helping parents is something most children do, but after a divorce the help required from the child is not always something he/she can handle physically and psychologically. Too many chores at home can have a negative impact on the child’s performance at school, and also lead to depression as he/she observes other children do not have these problems to deal with.

4. Divorce encourages personal growth.

An advantage to divorce is the personal growth a person goes through after the event. "Divorced individuals report higher levels of autonomy and personal growth than do married individuals," says Miami University professor of philosophy, Robin L. Graff-Reed, in her article, "Positive Effects of Stressful Life Events: Psychological Growth Following Divorce." This is because divorced individuals have to become self-sufficient and cope with the pressures of everyday life by themselves. After divorce, individuals can develop the personal skills that can help them work towards a better quality of life for themselves and their children.

è If one feels their divorce encouraged personal growth and responsibility, it can’t be viewed as an argument for divorce being acceptable. It only means that their marriage discouraged it, or that they were avoiding responsibility themselves while married because they knew their spouse would help them. A marriage should be an equal unity and encourage personal growth. The fact that many people feel the levels of responsibility and personal growth rise as they divorce is only a sign of the wrong choice of partner.

5. Divorce can increase one’s self-esteem.

When your marriage is unhappy, you can begin to feel unhappy about yourself. A partner who belittles you, calls you names or otherwise makes you feel less-than-stellar can also wreck your self-worth.

è Divorce actually diminishes one’s self-esteem rather than increases it. The person who has been through divorce can feel helpless and useless, as they discover there is no one to listen to their problems and give advice, or just wait for them when they get home after work. Divorce inevitably causes stress for both ex-spouses, as well as the lowering of self-esteem.

6. By getting a divorce you escape the restrictions of family life.

Some people are just not meant to exist in a marriage. They feel they are trapped, with the other spouse imposing harsh rules on them they can’t understand. After a divorce, they get freedom in everything, ranging from devoting more time to their career to coming back home late at night and choosing a movie that they want to watch over “the Matrix”.

è Marriage does in many cases mean compromise, but if there are any illogical restrictions to one’s freedom in a marriage, they should definitely be discussed. No marriage is perfect and the problems have to be worked on and solved rather than ignored until the spouses can’t stand each other. Few people who are about to divorce realize how many good things there are about marriage, such as support, help and understanding that no friend or relative can provide you with. About 70% of people regret having divorced a year later. The so-called freedom often proves superfluous as, in most cases, by getting a divorce you lose your closest friend.

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