Chapter Nine. The night sky was bright with stars, but the moon hadn't yet risen

The night sky was bright with stars, but the moon hadn't yet risen. I loved the soothing sound of the surf and I wished not so much for the romantic picture of Tess and me strolling hand in hand on the beach, but for the reality of her hand in mine, wherever we walked.

I hung up the dress and dropped the panties in the empty laundry basket. Stark naked, I unpacked my suitcase. Most of my clothes smelled of rental car and stale motel rooms. Toiletries I put back in the bathroom, shampoo in the shower, shoes neatly under the closet shelving. I might as well try to keep the small space looking as tidy as Tess had left it.

Knowing I'd feel better after a long, hot shower, I started it running. My brain seemed content to replay every moment of my life with Tess, every glass of wine, every brownie, every laugh over a flubbed workout move, every high five after a routine that felt really good. We didn't get to watch much television, but there was always time for a little bit of talk, many times throughout any given day. My life was full of her but my heart seemed to ache with emptiness.

I stood under the needles of hot water for a while, just breathing in the steam. Shampoo and conditioner felt good, as did my favorite mango-scented body wash. I was still letting the conditioner soak in when I glimpsed something rounded and aqua through the fogged glass door.

"You scared the shit out of me!" I scrubbed furiously at the glass to see Tess better.

"Why aren't you fucking Celine tonight?"

"I don't want to fuck Celine tonight!"

"I thought she was your type!" Tess was just on the other side of the glass, her neck and shoulders flushed with red.

"She was. I thought men were your type!" The glass fogged and I smeared it again.

"I thought so too. I got over it."

We stared at each other through the glass. She said something, but I couldn't hear over the water. "What?"

"If you didn't want to see Celine's show, why did you rush back here and drape yourself all over her?"

I licked water off my lips and chose the easier question to answer. "I didn't drape myself all over her. I like her, and I needed a hug and I guess... we're sort of friends."

Tess put her hand on the glass. She was breathing hard. "Then why are you here, if it wasn't to get back in time to see her again?"

"This is home." I took a deep breath. Talking takes practice. "This is where you are."

"What?"

"Oh, fuck this," I snapped. I leaned back into the water to rinse the conditioner out of my hair. "Give me a minute."

I scrubbed furiously, in a strange place emotionally between irritation at having my shower interrupted, trepidation at having to talk to Tess so soon when I hadn't really thought through what I wanted to say, and the simple reality that I was naked in front of her and wet in more ways than one.

Emotions were raging through me, and they all wanted words. I had to find them or I didn't have a chance of any kind of life with Tess. Even if she didn't love me back, talking was the only shot I had at keeping her as a friend. I could not imagine life without her there.

The air in the shower changed and I blinked water out of my eyes. Tess had opened the door and her eyes were... devouring me. My heart skipped a beat.

"Close the door," I said automatically. "You'll slip on the wet floor in those shoes."

She kicked off the delicate sandals and stepped into the shower with me.

"Your... your jumpsuit, it'll get—"

"Did you say you hurried back because I was here?"

Yes, I tried to say. Yes was the right answer. I nodded.

She pulled the zipper of the jumpsuit down and it parted slowly to reveal nothing but skin. Water gathered on her chest, drops spilled between her breasts, and I wanted to chase them with my tongue. It was hard to swallow, even harder to think, but somewhere inside I remembered enough to know that another fabulous night of sex would be grand, but it was not a substitute for simple words like yes and I love you.

"You hurried back so we could go on being buddies? Fuck buddies?"

Yes, no. Well, I wasn't sure of the right answer. I hadn't thought about whether if we were lovers that meant we were no longer fuck buddies or best friends. Were some terms mutually exclusive? Why was this all so confusing?

Oh, for fuck's sake, Brandy, talk!

"I hurried back because I'm better here. Better here with you. I make more sense here with you. I feel more with you. I want... you."

She stopped unzipping just below her navel. "You can't blame hormones for everything."

Stung, I snapped back, "This isn't about hormones or needing a good roll in the sack. I had that with Celine." Okay, I hadn't meant to say that last part.

"I had it with Gloria," she asserted with a toss of her head.

"So why are you in my shower?"

"Are you in love with Celine?"

"No!"

"Are you going to apply for Barbados?"

"Only if you are. I won't go without you!"

Her eyes flashing, she accused, "You're in love with me!"

"Yes, I am! You got a problem with that?"

She kissed me with a hungry bite and we were both under the water. She cupped my ass, and my hips naturally curved into hers as my hands pushed the jumpsuit off her shoulders. Her face was wet, her shoulders warm, her breasts melting into mine. Hot and sweet, she was all that, and in the back of her throat I heard the moan I'd learned the first night we'd been together.

"Tess, Tess, wait..." It was nearly impossible to make my arms obey, but I pushed her gently away.

Her mouth looked bruised from kisses and I wanted to go back to rubbing my lips over hers. Looking dazed, she asked, "What?"

"Do you believe in forever?"

She took my chin between her fingers. "Not until you."

"Oh." Her answer was so perfect, so wonderfully Tess, romantic and sweet and everything like that, I didn't know how

I could possibly add to it. I took a deep breath, sucked in some water and had to cough. How suave.

She moved to kiss me again and I held her off. "What, Bran?"

I opened my mouth and then the words were there. "I have to say this or maybe I never will. It doesn't make any sense, but I've never felt like this before and I've never thought about how if you don't start a marathon you'll never know if you can finish. But a race has a finish line and forever doesn't, and how will you ever know if you get there? You can't know, not for certain. All you can do is run the race."

I stopped to wipe away tears I hoped she thought were from the shower.

Panting for air, I rushed on, "All you can do is run the race and love every minute of it and do everything you can to push that finish line so far away you can't ever see it, never get there, and you have to work, keep fit, keep listening to your body and your heart so you can go on running, walking, whatever it takes. That's what I want. As long as you're with me there. That's what I want."

I burst into tears she couldn't mistake and she held me very tight.

"That made perfect sense to me, Brandy." She pushed me far enough away to gaze into my eyes. "I like your inner philosopher. One of the things I love about you is how hard you try to get what you feel into words. Especially when we make love."

"So..." I sniffed. "Are you saying you love me?"

"I have loved you since you said you believed in my hormones. Well, at least I think so. I mean... " She glanced away, blushing. "I couldn't be in love with you, could I? We were friends, and you were gay and I wasn't, and yet every day I woke up thinking how long it would be until I saw you in the morning. And I thought about inventing another set of hormones so I could ask you... more often..." The redness across her cheeks intensified.

She was adorable when she blushed, and she wanted... me. Well, hell. She had fallen in love with the first dyke she went to bed with. My heart was doing cartwheels.

"But I didn't want to lie, and really, I have to warn you, my hormones are real, but ever since you said you believed in them, they haven't been so bad. Ever since you took care of me, more than once, every time... it's not so bad. Not so scary."

"I love it when you want it, however you want it." I covered her damp, kissable mouth with mine and everything inside that had ached got hot with a flood of healing. I broke the kiss after a minute with a little laugh. "I love it when you want me, however you want me."

She nodded into another kiss and we stayed there for a long time, exploring our mouths like new lovers, like we'd never get enough. I slowly finished unzipping her jumpsuit, slipping my hand inside to cup her bare crotch.

She laughed, low. "Oh, that feels so good. And I am so wet."

I dipped a finger between her swollen lips. "Yes, you are."

She gasped. "I meant the shower, but yes... oh."

"Did you wear this for me? So I could reach in to touch you like this?"

"Yes." Her eyes were half-closed, and in spite of the hot water I could see prickles of telltale goose flesh on her arms. "I didn't think you'd be back, but I wanted you. I slept in your bed last night. I missed you so much."

Touched, I kissed her collarbone, then whispered, "I like it when you dress for me."

"You were wearing those naughty panties. Was that for me?"

"Yes, I wanted you to notice."

"Believe me, I did. I thought you wore them for Celine—"

"Uh-uh. For you."

"I thought the note you left, that you wanted to have Valentine's Days and breakfasts meant you might love me, and then it looked like you were going to be with her, and Barbados could call you away, and—"

"Shh." I circled her clit once to feel her knees quiver. "Let's go to bed."

I think she felt as woozy as I did, certainly there was not a lot of oxygen going to my brain. I couldn't tell what was turning me on more, the fact that she wanted me or that she loved me.

Did it matter, as long as both were true?

She was shy. My lovely Tess, who had never been shy about sex with me, was blushing as I drew her down on the bed. "Don't be nervous," I said softly.

"I'm feeling—you know how you got tired of giving straight women lessons?"

"I never felt that way with you," I assured her.

"I want to... tell me if I do it wrong."

She was kissing her way down my chest when I realized what she meant. Trembling, I settled back on the bed. My legs jerked when I felt the light brush of her mouth over my pubic hair.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." I didn't try to stop an earthy moan. "I really don't think you can do it wrong."

"Okay." She didn't look shy anymore. She looked like she was going to eat me alive which was exactly what I wanted. "I want to do it right. You... smell so good."

Her tongue slipped between my lips and I shuddered. I felt her hands, then, parting me, opening me, and her tongue covered my clit with a wave of moist heat. I felt delicious and savored, completely loved. Her mouth seemed to envelop my essence, and the small sound of deep pleasure she made sent a hard contraction into the very center of me.

She loved me and her mouth felt wonderful there. She loved me and I could feel it pouring into me from her lips, her tongue and the fingers she slipped inside me. She loved me and my climax was beyond conscious thought. All I could do was feel. For several minutes after, it was all I wanted to do. The only thought I was capable of allowed me to gasp out, "Hold me."

She sighed into my ear and I could smell me on her face. "Wow." She giggled gleefully, then said again, "Wow."

"That's right," I said weakly. "That covers it. Wow."

"I only went out with Gloria because you were with Celine and I didn't think you cared about me that way, and at least I thought I'd get some... experience."

"You don't have to account for yourself to me." I took a deep breath and my head cleared. "Well. Now you do. And vice versa, I promise."

"It was ironic that she didn't let me touch her. I liked what she did, but you were better for me, and... the second night she wanted to do something and I couldn't. I realized that I felt more safe with her than I did with guys, but I was safe with you, because you're you. You're not just any dyke to me, you're the dyke I love and trust and want."

I sighed happily. I felt so good it could have been a dream. "What did she want to do?" I suspected, but I wanted to be sure. "You don't have to tell me, but... if you want that and I could do it, you know I would."

A little shiver went through her. "She said I was... very open. She asked if she could put..."

I shifted to my side so she was on her back. Leaning over her I bit gently on her lower lip. "I've wanted to do that since the first night. It seemed like more than I had a right to, to be inside you that way. I wasn't supposed to feel that way about you."

"Please, Brandy. I'm not the least bit hormonal—"

"I know—"

"Please, fill me. Take me. It's what I want."

My heart was pounding loud in my ears. "I won't hurt you."

"I know that."

I scrabbled for the lube in the bedside table. I hadn't foreseen this moment, though I had fantasized about it. Except on a tile floor, you can never have too much lube, I told myself. "This is just to be sure."

She nodded, watching me as she spread her legs.

"You are so beautiful." I was momentarily at a loss for words. "So... lovely." I bent to her mons, kissing lower until I was kissing her clit. She cooed, that wonderful coo that meant she really liked that, and let my tongue wander through her folds, tasting her sweetness for several minutes.

After an awkward pause to get the lube open, I slathered my hand and rubbed it slowly over her luscious cunt, getting everything wet and slippery.

"Fuck me, Brandy. Please." Tess was breathing hard, and her taut nipples made my mouth water.

I love this woman, I thought. Loving her and feeling her was like touching heaven. I settled next to her so I could take one nipple into my mouth while I let my slick fingers play between her legs.

"Oh, like that. I've wanted this, to feel you like this, I never thought you would—"

"Shh." I coiled my tongue over and around her nipple until she relaxed slightly. "I want you to feel good, feel all my love."

As always, three fingers went into her easily. She moaned and relaxed and my mouth got dry. She was as open as she had ever been, and I knew she could take my hand, but contemplating something so... intimate, that required so much trust on her part, was scaring me.

"Take care of me, please."

How could she be so vulnerable? How could she open up like this? Four fingers deep I could feel the inside of her like liquid fire against my knuckles. Maybe—I mean, I did believe she loved me. I believed she meant it, but letting me do this, wanting it to be me who took her this way? Maybe she really loved me. "I will, I will, my love. Relax for me, let me... slip inside you. Like that."

I put my head on her abdomen and with a gentle push felt my hand go inside her. It fit and it felt right and she moaned, long and deep.

I moaned, too. The feeling of being captured inside her, of touching all of her and her obviously liking it, felt wonderful and safe and trusting and loving, and when her hips moved and she wanted me to stroke inside, that's what I did. Blinking tears out of my eyes I watched her face as I shifted my hand. "More? Do you need more, faster?"

"Yes." She groaned as she tilted her hips up. "Yes, please don't stop!"

"I won't, darling. I'll never stop. Is this okay? Does this feel good?" I pushed a little deeper, then withdrew just a little. Trembling, I curled my fingers around my thumb and turned my fist so my knuckles brushed her G-spot.

"Yes! More..."

I lifted my head, my vision swimming at the sight of my wrist disappearing inside her. A big toy, or my hand, what did it matter when her nails were digging into my shoulders and she was begging me to be her lover, to satisfy her, to take care of her? I moved slowly, deliberately, inside her and listened to the music of her moans and pleas and it felt like we were soaring in a place so rare that I never wanted to leave it.

My voice hoarse with desire and love, I said what I had never said before. "I love you, I love doing this to you, and I will be here forever, ready to love you, and I am never going to stop."

She shuddered and I felt her entire cunt contract around my hand. My knuckles made contact with her pelvic bone and I eased up, trying to draw her climax out of her as gently as possible. There might be other ways, other days, other things, but tonight, filled with love for her, I wanted my hand to give her more pleasure than either of us could bear.

"My fist is inside you," I said hoarsely, "and I love you."

She cried out. It was the cry I couldn't get enough of, only louder and longer and deeper in her chest. Her walls seemed to flutter against my hand, then she got even tighter. I could feel the wave of her muscles, feel her pleasure rolling from high inside, through her G-spot and to the tightly stretched muscles gripping my wrist. I felt like I'd been given the most amazing gift, to experience her ecstasy so closely.

"Please, please." She was panting. "Go... pull out, please..."

"Yes, yes... don't worry." I moved gently, and realized with a tremor of fear that as her climax waned the lube was thinning. My hand slipped free of her and she groaned—in pain, I thought. I moved to take her gently into my arms, but she was grabbing me, pulling me close.

Her hips bucked against me and with awe I realized she was still coming. I held her tight and close and thrilled to the wild rolling of her body. I'd made her feel that, by loving her, and I felt like a supreme being, a creature of pure love.

She gave one long, last gasp before she went limp.

For a minute breathing was all either of us did, then she let out a helpless laugh. "I don't care what you do to me. If it all feels that good, you won't be able to get rid of me."

"I love you, Tess. That was more than I ever thought I'd feel."

She made a little noise as her eyelashes drifted down to meet her cheeks. One little noise of pleasure and disbelief, then her breathing steadied and I felt sleep spread through her body.

I laughed to myself as my eyes began to droop as well. That moment, holding her trusting body in my arms, feeling her relax completely against me, was as pleasurable to me as everything we had just done together.

Falling asleep, with the woman I love in my arms, seemed like a good first step on the road to forever.

I rolled over in bed, blinking in the early morning sunlight. Blonde hair was spread on the pillow next to me, and my motion had gently dislodged her hand from my hip.

I memorized the curves of her face in the fresh light of the new morning. She was smiling slightly. I hoped the good dreams she was having included me. I knew that mine all had included her, and now I wanted to remember my dreams, always.

I touched her hair and inhaled her scent. Nothing could be more sublime than waking up to find her there. It was all wonderful—falling asleep, waking up, touching her, loving her, giving myself to her. The idea that I would get to have these feelings all the time was still so unbelievable that part of me wanted to deny how good it was.

I wasn't going to do that, though. Love was real. Forever isn't a destination, it's a journey.

After another long, satisfying look, I got up to make breakfast.

Поиск по сайту: