Мая (24 апреля) 1903 года. Парижский дневник

О Рахумовском говорит весь Париж, печатают его портреты, его зовут в компаньоны известные купцы, его произведения принимают в Салон и становятся приманкой для толпы, его провозглашают чуть ли не современным Бенвенуто Челлини! Это сказка из "Тысячи и одной ночи". Но мораль ее так не моральна, что может привести в уныние кого угодно. В самом деле, что это такое! Пока человек честно и с любовью трудился, на него никто не обращал внимания. А сделал подделку, и земные блага посыпались на него как из рога изобилия. Между тем, обрати люди вовремя должное внимание на этого даровитого самоучку, из него вышел бы выдающийся артист. Теперь, боюсь, он не сделает другого шедевра, кроме поддельной тиары Сайтаферна. <...>

UNIT 8

Упражнение 1. Повторите текст с максимальной точностью.

Jokes.

1.A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

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2. An industrial expert went around asking different people, "What do you like best about your job?"

"The good pay," one factory worker replied.

"What do you like least about your job?" asked the expert.

"The good pay," he said again.

The expert was surprised. "What do you mean? You like it the best and you like it the least?"

"Well, I like it because it pays me well, so that's the good part. But if it didn't pay so well, I'd quit! That would be better!"

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3. A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments,

"You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died 3 months ago," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then 2 months ago," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad!"

"Then this month," continued the friendб - "absolutely nothing!"

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4. A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

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5.There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.

"I'm going to ask you just one question," says the president, "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."

"Thank you, we will get back to you," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says "Five."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call you."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the room and replies, "What would you like it to be?" The president exclaims, "YOU'RE MY MAN!"

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6.Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the Midwest, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.
And once he got there the feeling became very strong. Sue and Bob started an argument.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you utter one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he could - heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

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7. A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

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